


COOL VACATION [GONE WRONG] [VAN EXPLODED]

by eLTeh



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes, Fire Emblem: Seisen no Keifu | Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War
Genre: Gen, Written for my friends, not modern au, regrets were had, sigurd gets his grubby hands on a van, thanks friends, this is a shitpost fic, you're the reason why i post my lame shitposts on AOOO
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 09:52:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18428126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eLTeh/pseuds/eLTeh
Summary: Sigurd and Quan drag Eldigan along to the newly opened Aether Resorts. Sigurd gets a strange contraption known as a 'van'. Eldigan reluctantly comes along. Quan is very supportive of his friends. Everything goes horribly wrong, but also right, and maybe more wrong than right.





	COOL VACATION [GONE WRONG] [VAN EXPLODED]

**Author's Note:**

> If you're expecting serious Jugdral content, I advise you to leave. Otherwise, enjoy the wild ride. I... I guess.

Eldigan was a chivalrous knight. He upheld his standards of honour, and did his best to serve the lord he was assigned to. Sometimes, he wished he were a simple knight, free from the burden of responsibilities that came with his duty.

Alas, he was born in this position, and admittedly, he'd gotten quite adjusted to his role. It was a shame that the responsibility of paperwork... came to him.

Eldigan sighed as he signed over the dotted line of what had to be the fiftieth sheet of paper. The hellishly tall stack's height didn't look like it was diminishing any time soon. If anything, every time he'd make significant progress, Alfonse would arrive with more of those cursed papers, looking slightly apologetic.

It was going to be a long day.

The door slammed open with a sudden thud, sending vibrations throughout the small office. Stacks of paper reeled from the impact, precariously wobbling over the edge of the desk. Out of instinct, Eldigan raised his hands, as if instructing the papers to stay back. They did not. The papers plummeted off the desk, and Eldigan found himself quite literally buried in paperwork.

Eldigan glanced at the intruder. Quan grinned sheepishly, guilty but certainly not ashamed of his actions. He waltzed over, attempting to help clear up the mess he'd made.

"Leave it," Eldigan said. Quan may have had his 'best' interests in mind, but the man was a disorganised person. There was a very good reason why Quan was frequently reprimanded by his wife about his messes. "I will sort this out later."

Quan frowned, though his pudgy appearance made it look more like a pout. Offended that Eldigan didn't seem to trust him with _papers_ , he insisted, "I've been making an effort in tidying my things too." To prove his point, he began collecting the loose sheets of paper off the ground. When they'd gathered into a small stack, Quan slammed it on the table. "And I'm not letting this continue any further."

Eldigan frowned. "Continuing what?"

"Overworking yourself, that's what!" Quan said. "It's like you're confined to this room. Sigurd says he hasn't seen you leave the room since... last week!"

"With all due respect, old friend," Eldigan began, resuming his work with the nearest sheet of paper, "Sigurd's 'testimonies' tend to not be very reliable."

"Like?"

"Noodle incident."

"That. Was years ago." Quan seemed adamant in proving something. " _Noodle incident aside_ , my point still stands. When was the last time you left this place?"

"Fifteen minutes ago," Eldigan nonchalantly replied. He took a sip of coffee from a mug. "For coffee refill."

"That doesn't count," Quan huffed. He roughly brushed aside the papers away from reach (to Eldigan's dismay), and said," which is why I'm not letting you rot here much further."

Eldigan stared blankly at Quan. Quan glared back at his friend, refusing any excuses.

"You've yet to tell me what this is all about," Eldigan muttered, staring forlornly at the messed up papers.

"Vacation," Quan said, firmly gripping onto Eldigan's arm.

Eldigan offered no resistance as Quan forcefully dragged Eldigan out of the office. Once Quan had his mind set on something, there was no convincing him otherwise.

Pulling down his wrinkled sleeves, courtesy of Quan's forceful persuasion, Eldigan sighed as the room remained left in a mess. Maybe he'd file a report that his friend had kidnapped him. Hopefully that would be an acceptable excuse.

\----------------------------------

Quan led Eldigan out into the open, towards a field-like area where Sigurd and a strange metal contraption was waiting for them. Eldigan took in a deep breath. Ah, fresh air. After living in stale, unventilated air for so long, Eldigan had forgotten what breathing fresh air was like.

A series of thumps and thuds rang out from the metal contraption. It was an enclosed metal box with glass windows, and wheels were strapped to the bottom, like a cart. It was a strange design.

"What... is this?" Eldigan inquired.

Quan shrugged. "Sigurd's new toy. He bought it from one of Anna's sales. Apparently this thing can ferry three people at once."

Eldigan looked confused. "It's going to be our mode of transportation," Quan clarified.

An oversized metal cart? As transportation? Eldigan had given up on trying to escape at this point. _Especially_ when Sigurd was involved. He had so many questions, and he would get those answers... soon. He decided to address the most pressing matter. "Are you certain... that this will work?" 

"This is Sigurd. One way or another, he will find a way to make things work."

"Only briefly, before everything falls apart."

"Have some faith, Eldigan."

The sounds of a soft hum drew Eldigan's attention back to the contraption, which was now steadily bobbing up and down. A part of the contraption slid open to reveal a head of blue hair.

Sigurd stepped out, grinning triumphantly. He waved a set of keys in the air like an excited child. "I DID IT! I got the van working!" In his excitement, he almost failed to notice Eldigan's presence. 

"Pray tell, Sigurd, where exactly are we heading?" Eldigan asked to get his friend's attention. "Quan refuses to inform me of the specifics."

Sigurd looked pleasantly surprised at Eldigan's appearance. His smile grew wider, and him and Quan exchanged a glance which Eldigan could only interpret as 'good job with the secrets we're withholding from Eldigan!'

Sigurd turned to Eldigan, patting him on the back. "Remember back in military school, when we made our vow?"

Ah, yes. Eldigan was grateful for the companionship, but the same vow was also the most commonly used excuse for trouble. "What of it?"

Sigurd pulled his friend tight into a friendly semi-hug. "We're going on vacation to the Aether Resorts. And under the conditions of our vow, I regret to inform you that you shall not be left behind to do paperwork. After all, you do seem like you are in need of help from all that work."

Quan's grin looked almost mischievous. "We've got a lot planned."

\--------------------------------------------------------

The first thing Eldigan asked about was the matter of packing things for the journey. Unfortunately, Quan had decided to stick his nose into Eldigan's affairs and he'd already gotten Eldigan's stuff into the trunk - turned out Lachesis was in on it, too.

The concept of this 'van' still felt foreign to Eldigan. He didn't quite trust the oversized cart in the slightest - horseback would be a much more reliable way of travel. Still, as Sigurd had gone through all the effort just so the three could share a ride, well... Eldigan wasn't in a place to deny Sigurd his van.

Sigurd had already gotten himself comfortably settled in the front seat of the van, his hands firmly grasping a strange looking wheel. A wheel inside a vehicle... with wheels. Ridiculous. 

The van had quite a fair amount of seats. Most of its space had already been filled with luggage, though, so the front two rows were left, driver's seat included. Unfortunately, the front row only had two seats, and three was not perfectly divisible by two. "Where should we sit?" Quan asked.

Sigurd stroked his chin, deep in thought. "Hmm... I don't think it'd be fair if someone sat next to me and the other guy had to sit at the back... but it wouldn't be fair if I was the only one with the front view, either..."

A candle lit itself in Sigurd's head. "I know! The both of you can share the front seat! It can't be too bad, right?"

"No," Eldigan replied.

And so Eldigan and Quan decided to sit in the second row, much to Sigurd's disappointment.

"I wouldn't have minded sharing, either..."

Eldigan and Quan got themselves comfortable in their seats. Eldigan wasn't exactly too comforted by the prospect of this 'van', but he'd tolerate its existence... for now.

These 'seatbelts' were weird, he thought, as he pulled the two straps together, the 'seatbelt' making a 'click' sound as it fastened itself. It seemed like an unnecessary precaution - their transport was already enclosed, and it seemed much harder to fall off these seats than a horse's back. But Eldigan supposed, considering Sigurd's recklessness, it was worth the precaution.

Quan didn't buckle his seatbelts. Quan didn't care.

Sigurd turned around. "Did you guys buckle up?"

"Nah," Quan replied.

"Just go ahead with it," Eldigan said. "There has been worse."

Sigurd frowned. "But the manual said that seatbelts were a must. Otherwise, you might go flying out of your seat!"

Eldigan briefly imagined Quan being flung out of his seat into the air. It was a fairly amusing thought.

"Fine," Quan said, awkwardly grabbing the seatbelt straps and putting them in the wrong way several times before they clicked.

Sigurd let out a cheer, and gave them a thumbs up before turning back to his strange wheel.

Eldigan heard Sigurd's boots slam against something, and with no warning, the van somehow started moving. This added more questions to Eldigan's list of questions. Currently, the most relevant one happened to be: Just what kind of contraption was this?

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At first, the speed which the van was travelling felt unusually fast, and the bumps and vibrations sent by the rough terrain felt different. Foreign, almost. It was unlike riding on horseback - this thing was a whole new different beast entirely.

Except it wasn't living, Eldigan reminded himself. But it was strange that the oversized cart could propel itself just by... Sigurd grasping on a wheel and turning it whenever they rounded a corner.

Quan eventually got bored of sitting still, and had escaped from the shackles of the seatbelts. Eldigan could hear the sounds of their luggage being ransacked.

Out of curiosity, he decided to get up from his seat, too. Sigurd didn't notice the sounds of seatbelts getting undone - the man was too focused on the road ahead. Gingerly, Eldigan made his way over to Quan, who was rummaging through his luggage.

The luggage was stretched wide open. Its contents - Quantents, more like - were spilled all over the floor, and as the van moved, they went sliding left... and then right... It was frustrating for Eldigan to watch. To save his sanity, he had to avert his eyes. "Just what are you trying to do?" 

"Snacks." Quan grumbled and stuck his hands into the luggage, wriggling it around like an oversized worm. Maybe if Quan tried enough, his arm could miraculously locate a bag of snacks buried under the mess of things. At least, that was the impression Eldigan got.

Eldigan could only watch as Quan's face contorted into strange expressions while he attempted to find his 'treasure'. "Did you not mention you'd been making an effort to tidy up your things?"

Quan frowned at Eldigan's remark. "Cut me some slack, I had to pack all this in a..." Quan grunted as he seemed to grab a hold onto something. To an outsider, though, Quan looked more like he was trying to stick his hand as deep as he could into the luggage. "...day! And let me be freed from my wife's incessant nagging for once."

Eldigan didn't comment. He raised an eyebrow as he watched Quan work.

"...Found it!" Quan's arm reeled back as he fished out a crushed box. Pleased with his victory, he passed it to his friend for inspection.

Eldigan squinted at the state of the box, carefully taking off the lid. There was a paper bag inside, labelled _"QUAN'S SNACKS, DO NOT TOUCH UNLESS YO"._ The text seemed to have been cut off. He turned the bag around. _"U R SIGRD N ELDIE"_ was messily squeezed at the sides. 

Without warning, Quan stuck his hand in the bag and yanked out a handful of crushed biscuits. He sprinkled the crumbs into his open mouth. "Delicious."

Eldigan rolled his eyes at the way Quan ate. "It's no wonder the great descendant of Njorun manages to put on so much weight despite his great strength."

Quan licked the crumbs. "Says the grown man who carries a giant blanket around."

"That is a scarf, and it shields against the cold."

"So does my body fat."

Eldigan didn't want to argue against that. He grabbed a handful of 'biscuits' himself. To his frustration, most of the crumbs slipped through the space between his fingers. Eldigan hastily shoved the food into his mouth before he made a mess.

The biscuits were surprisingly fragrant despite having gone through Hel and back. "Not bad," Eldigan remarked.

Quan grinned, and reached out for another helping. "I know-"

**_"OH NO! SQUIRREL!"_ **

The van lurched forward as it screeched to a halt. The sudden momentum caught them off guard, with Quan landing on the pile of clothes that he'd chucked out earlier.

Eldigan, however, wasn't so lucky. Losing his balance, he found himself falling face first onto Quan. And Quan was not a very good cushion, because he immediately put up his arms in defence, elbowing Eldigan in the ribs.

Eldigan groaned in pain from the sudden attack, attempting to untangle himself from Quan. "Sorry," Quan said, though he seemed perfectly unharmed as he lay on the heap of clothes. "Are the biscuits intact?"

"Sometimes I question your priorities, Quan," Eldigan muttered as he attempted to reposition himself. Realising he was still clinging onto Quan's snacks, he held the bag up to inspect it. A hole had torn from the impact, and a waterfall of crumbs flowed out.

Quan looked disheartened at the sight of the ripped paper bag. Crumbs continued to pour out. "SIGURD!" he cried out. "THAT DRIVING OF YOURS DESTROYED MY BISCUITS!"

"YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN WEARING YOUR SEATBELTS!" Sigurd yelled back from the driver's seat. "I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BISCUITS, BUT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SQUIRREL!"

Grumbling to himself, Quan didn't move from his sprawled out position. He turned to Eldigan. "Pass me the bag." Eldigan handed it over. Quan proceeded to pour the remaining biscuit crumbs into his mouth.

"Imagine if your wife were around," Eldigan commented.

Quan shrugged. "Are you suggesting to be my replacement wife? Still, I'm not about to waste food. There are kids in Thracia who are starving."

A non-derogatory remark about Thracians coming from Quan was a strange, strange thing. "You've loosened up on your view of Thracians, then?"

"No, they're savages." Quan finished up his biscuits.

Eldigan wasn't sure what he expected. "I see."

Eldigan noticed Sigurd walking to where they were.

"Greetings," Quan said, empty paper bag in hand.

"Are you okay?" Sigurd asked, slightly concerned by the mess in the back. Crumbs everywhere. And lots of clothes on the ground. "The squirrel ended up being okay, but..."

"Had worse," Quan replied, standing up to dust off his pants. "You can get back to work now."

Sigurd nodded, before the bag of cookies caught his eye. "Aww, you should have saved some for me. Driving is hard work."

Eldigan sighed. "We'll keep that in mind next time."

\----

Leaving the mess behind (Quan said he'd sort the stuff out later), the three decided to partake in a less intensive activity. No more getting up from seats, Quan swore, and buckled his seatbelt to prove a point. They exchanged stories, like old times, except the topic of children popped up a lot more often than in the past. Sigurd was a very proud father. He would not stop talking about his son.

Eventually, the conversation died down and Sigurd focused on the road again. Eldigan had taken to gazing out of the window to stare at the scenery - something he normally didn't have the luxury of enjoying, as he'd been facing nothing but paper the past few days. 

And Quan... Quan slept.

Actually, to say Quan simply slept was an understatement. It was a very painful reminder for Sigurd and Eldigan that Quan did not sleep like a normal person. Whatever peace was left was broken by loud snores, and Quan had made himself very comfortable on Eldigan, who was sitting right next to him.

"Maybe we should have brought your sister along," Eldigan scoffed. "I do wonder how she deals with his snoring."

"This is a vacation strictly for the three of us," Sigurd insisted. His expression softened. "I felt bad enough leaving Deirdre behind, already... I miss her. I hope she's okay." 

Eldigan remembered the way Sigurd had reacted when Deirdre was kidnapped. "Sigurd, I'm sure she's doing alright. Askr is a safe place, and Manfroy has already met his demise."

"But what if that _Arvis_ ," Sigurd said through gritted teeth, "tries anything funny?"

Sigurd's eyes glazed over in a mix of anger and longing, distracted by thoughts of the past. Eldigan would let Sigurd lament, but it was important for a rider to be aware of the direction they were heading. Even if the mount happened to be a strange metal box and not a regular horse. Hoping to avoid an accident, Eldigan quickly changed topics. "So how has your son been?"

His plan worked. Sigurd perked up immediately. "Seliph's been well! The other day, I managed to convince him for a night of board games! He won every match."

"Is it safe to assume you lost every match, then?"

"...I've never been good at strategy, Eldigan. But what counts is that Seliph is." Sigurd sniffled. "I'm so proud of him."

"Mm. I admire your enthusiasm, Sigurd."

Quan let out another loud snore, kneading Eldigan's coat in his arms. All while asleep. "Ethlyn..."

Eldigan wasn't sure whether to free himself from Quan. His friend did seem to be sleeping very well. "Oh dear. It seems he wasn't joking about a replacement wife."

Sigurd sounded confused. "Wait, what?"

Eldigan decided it wasn't worth the trouble explaining it to Sigurd. "Pay no mind to my remark." He shifted himself into a more comfortable position. Quan started drooling, muttering more tales of his wife.

Eldigan was convinced that Quan was completely lost in his dream. "Tell me, Sigurd, how would I look with pink hair?" he offhandedly remarked.

The comment caught Sigurd completely off guard. He wheezed so hard he choked, barely suppressing a laugh."I don't think pink suits you very well, Eldigan!"

Eldigan folded his arms. "A shame." Eldigan felt a wet patch on his shoulder. *That* was bothersome. Jokingly, he said, "Sigurd, under the conditions of our vow, I request you save me from this man before he gets his slobber all over my coat."

A mischievous grin spread itself across Sigurd's face. Wait, Eldigan hadn't actually meant it. He heard Sigurd take in a deep breath.

"*HONEY, DID YOU REMEMBER TO DO THE LAUNDRY?!*" Sigurd screamed in as high pitched a voice as he could muster. 

Sigurd's impression of his sister was terrifyingly accurate. Quan leapt up with a frightened yelp - if it weren't for the seatbelts, he would have fallen off the chair.

It was not very nice to laugh at the expense of others, but Eldigan couldn't help but do so.

Quan eventually seemed to realise that Ethlyn was a good distance away, and he was safe from the horrors of unfinished laundry. He glared at his friends who were howling in laughter. "Geez, can't a guy nap in peace?"

"Sorry, but you weren't exactly leaving Eldigan's coat in peace," Sigurd laughed, "as a friend, it was my duty to intervene!"

Eldigan wiped a tear from his eye, calming himself down from laughing so hard. It wasn't exactly chivalrous to laugh at the expense of others, and he felt a little sorry for causing Quan grief by waking the guy from a nap, but Quan's reaction was awfully amusing.

Out of habit, Eldigan peered outside the window. A mountainous landscape met his gaze, this time. The road was filled with stones and rocks of various sizes - were an army passing through, the terrain would be difficult to navigate.

Wait...

Eldigan turned to Sigurd, who had turned around to converse with Quan. His hands were no longer on the wheel.

"Sigurd," Eldigan began, "shouldn't you be concentrating on navigating the road properly?"

"Oh, drat-" Sigurd's eyes widened in realisation that he really had not been focusing. He quickly turned back to his usual position and placed his hands on the wheel. His face turned into a look of pure horror.

"OH NO! OH NO, OH NO--"

A sudden momentum almost knocked the air out of Eldigan's lungs as he felt his body thrown backwards. Thank the gods for the invention of seatbelts. He could feel the van lurch forward at sickening speeds as the crackle of rocks sounded under the force of the vehicle's wheels.

"BLAST IT!" Sigurd swore, frantically turning the wheel. Eldigan turned to Quan for an explanation. Quan greeted his friend with a confused frown, all the while gripping onto the sides of his seat, knuckles turning white.

The van let out a piercing screech, and Eldigan felt his body keel forward this time, quite nearly banging his head on the front seats. The van teetered from right to left, threatening to topple over. The bodies of the passengers shook like ragdolls, at the mercy of the van's trajectory. Frankly, Eldigan felt quite nauseated.

"DUCK!" Sigurd screamed. Eldigan and Quan did as they were told. With a heavy bump, the van finally lost its balance, toppling. Shattered glass burst through the leftmost windows as a large dent formed in the metal while the left side of the van scraped at the sides of a cliff.

Eldigan felt himself barely held back by the restraint of the seatbelts. The sudden force had caused the leather to dig into his neck, an ugly bruise forming from the scrape. It was deeply unpleasant, and reminded Eldigan of certain things he did not enjoy being reminded about.

Quan had managed to brace himself for the impact, and freed himself quickly. Eldigan was incredibly grateful when Quan offered a hand in helping him, and then Sigurd.

"You're both forgiven for having woken me up earlier," Quan said. "I'd much rather be woken up by Sigurd's beautiful falsetto than a car crash."

Sigurd looked apologetic as he climbed over the driver's seat. "Sorry. I accidentally ran over a wyvern's tail, and it started chasing after us in a fit of rage. It's gone now."

"I think our primary concern is getting out of here," Eldigan said, looking at the insides of the crushed van. It was awfully cramped when half the van had caved in - Eldigan wasn't even sure how they were going to get out.

Fortunately, Quan seemed to have come prepared. He gave them a thumbs up. "Don't worry, I brought Gae Bolg. It'll bust us out of here." With that, he made his way to the luggage to find the lance.

Sigurd wore an incredulous expression on his face. "You brought *Gae Bolg*? On our vacation?"

"I suppose we should be grateful for Quan's... 'foresight'," Eldigan commented.

Sigurd and Eldigan waited patiently for Quan to go ahead with his master plan. 

"You damned lance, eluding me when I need you the most... I KNOW YOU'RE IN HERE SOMEWHERE!"

Sigurd and Eldigan exchanged a glance. "Maybe... half a foresight?" Sigurd asked.

"Perhaps," Eldigan replied.

\----------------------------------------------------------

Quan's skill with the lance was not to be underestimated. With a few swings of the holy lance, he'd managed to shatter the glass windows for their escape. A few well placed lunges resulted in minimal cuts from broken glass, too.

The three managed to climb out of the broken window. Quan ended up insisting they carry all their stuff out, to Eldigan's dismay. Fortunately, they made it out safely, even with the burden of their baggages.

Sigurd woefully looked back at the destroyed van. Its form was unrecognisable, and had become a pile of crushed metal.

"We can always get it fixed," Quan assured his friend, giving him a pat on the back.

The van made a strange noise, before being engulfed in flames.

Quan gulped. "Okay, maybe not."

Sigurd flinched as he watched the flames consume the van. His eyelids drooped and his gaze turned distant.

Eldigan had a feeling he knew what was going on.

He gently tapped Sigurd's shoulder. "Come, friend. We musn't dally now. Our vacation awaits. We can make the last stretch on foot." There wasn't any certainty that was the case, but Eldigan was certain that Sigurd needed to be far, far away from any fires and all would be fine.

His plan had worked. Sigurd tore his eyes away from the unfolding disaster. "Y...yes, you're right."

\-----------------------------------------------

Quan offered to help carry Sigurd's luggage throughout the rest of their journey, but Sigurd refused. Fortunately, the van didn't crash far from the resort. Unfortunately...

Quan fumbled for the right words as he turned to Eldigan. "So, er, I must inform you, Eldigan..." 

"What of it?"

"So your workaholic lifestyle would never allow you to halt work for more than approximately two days, lest you'd feel terribly guilty."

"I see. Your point being..."

"The vacation was meant to span a total of two days. Considering our transport is broken, we might be stranded here for a while longer than planned."

The brightly lit sign of 'AETHER RESORT! THE BEST PLACE FOR A HERO'S VACATION' came into view, and Eldigan could spy the various facilities of the resort.

"It's much too late to change things now," Eldigan said. Perhaps the sight of the resort did help to brighten the mood a little. "I suppose I'll have to make do, won't I?"

Sigurd cheered. "It seems all is not lost!" Lost in excitement, he picked up the pace, rushing far ahead of his friends.

Quan smiled. "Good to hear. And... It's not easy to feel sad when you see Sigurd this happy."

"Indeed. We can only hope that his antics don't lend us to more trouble."


End file.
